I run

I am a mess of walls and fight or flight reactions. I became this way over time. But it was my choice, my way to cope. I take responsibility.

Therefore, I tend to push people away when I feel they are getting too close to me. Not because I don’t want them to be close and not because I don’t wish them to want me. It’s because I don’t want to hurt them or fuck their lives and dreams up.

Because that’s what I do. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I stay, I get hurt. If I stay, I hurt them. If I run, I hurt them. When I run, I hurt myself.

One way or another, someone’s getting hurt and it’s always my fault.

My ex-husband started calling me the Ruiner of All Things towards the end of our marriage. I never believed him because he verbally abused me daily, and I didn’t believe any of the other names he called me. But this one stuck in my mind.

I feel like everything and everyone I touch, I kill.

2 thoughts on “I run

  1. It’s good to write about these things… I mean, I don’t really know shit, and in general, only write to help myself get through issues. I like your writing and the fact that you are brave enough to write your feelings. Even the negative ones about yourself… That takes proverbial balls!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. For the most part I’ve been an open book all my life. And I’ve never seen the point of hiding my feelings. I do wear my heart on my sleeve but I’ve learned over the years how to build walls. Not a very good habit but necessary sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

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