I’ve been thinking of my mother a lot in the last couple days. She passed away two years ago. It’ll be 3 years in June 2018.
These thoughts and memories are usually very painful and trigger tears, which I try to terminate as quickly as possible. This is followed by the reinforcement of my walls. Then it’s necessary to find a task to distract my mind so I can move on with my day.
I usually don’t let myself think about my mom too much. Not because I didn’t love her or didn’t get along with her. On the contrary she was my best friend. Mostly I try not to talk because I don’t want to cry in front of my kids, as it upsets them.
But the main reason why I avoid thinking about her is because my kids and I were the ones who found her dead in her bedroom. On the floor. It was a complete shock. Of course I immediately called 911, not even thinking to remove my children from the horrific sight of their Grandma. Thankfully a neighbor took them.
I still have a hard time thinking about that day. But I’m finding that as time goes by, I’m able to talk about it more and more. I’m able to mention more details. Once I speak the words it gets a little easier to think about the day. One might think it would be the other way around. But not for me. You see, I’m an over-thinker. If I think about that day, I’ll actually go there and be in that day in my mind and relive it over and over again. Then the anxiety is in full swing.
So I tend to block it out. I tend to block out a lot of things having to do with emotions. I’d rather not deal with anything emotional, which is why I refuse to watch sappy movies that might make one cry. It’s not that I wouldn’t cry. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a heartless, cold-hearted bitch. (Okay, yes I am a Capricorn and I can be a cold hearted bitch in some situations. Particularly during those special ladies days that come each month. You got a problem with that? Bite me.)
Normally I am extremely emotional and sensitive. I can feel things deeply. It’s just that I don’t want to. I’ve learned over the years that it does not pay to make oneself feel, as it makes one very vulnerable. And I spent so much of my life being vulnerable due to my sensitive, naive nature. And as you can guess, I got burnt more times then I can put here without getting smacked upside the head for being that dumb.
So there came a point in my life where I simply said “Nope”. No more door mat Carmen.
So when I started thinking of my mother, I found myself discussing her with my kids. But for the first time, I wasn’t sobbing or looking away, blinking rapidly to avoid the scared, disappointed eyes of my kids. This time I was relating funny stories about my mom. Some funny things that she used to say and funny songs she used to sing. And I could laugh. It felt good to laugh.
But the amazing part of this is that for the very first time, I didn’t think about that day. For some reason my mind just didn’t go there. And I felt relief and peace. And I know my children did too. It doesn’t get any better than that.
One day soon, I’ll be able to talk about that day and process it so that I can start to grieve properly. And maybe one day my mind won’t see her the way I last saw her. One day I’ll think of her as she was. And how she probably is now. Always laughing.